four things that won’t impress me about that single guy you know

Or: “Four ways I click-baited you into reading this blog post.”

As a 26-year-old Christian single in the South, I am a constant target for amateur Cupids (in other words, I have loving friends who worry about me). Allow me to debunk some of the more common “selling points.”

1. “He’s nice.”

Firstly, calling a man “nice” means only that you have observed him abiding by social norms. It can be a deceptive character trait.

Bill is a nice guy who just needs your help moving furniture into his van.

Secondly, being “nice” won’t help when the baby is screaming or the cable guy did not show up between 6am today and 6pm the next year like he said he would. Great men are not “nice.” Life takes more than etiquette. Jesus was not hesistant to call people out when needed (see Matthew 12:34, when he calls the Pharisees a “brood of vipers,” and presumably thereby creates an awkward silence).

Great men speak up for the Truth, regardless of the consequences. So don’t tell me that he’s “nice,” tell me that he’s “kind of a jerk but he’s principled about it.”

2. “He’s funny.”

I don’t need a significant other to make me laugh. Amy Poehler makes me laugh. Steven Seagal makes me laugh (although not intentionally). I make myself laugh, and unfortunately sometimes in public.

Steven Seagal, accidental comedian.

Also, I have no way of knowing if “funny” means the guy happened to make a good joke at a work picnic or, like, he opened at the Apollo last weekend. “Funny” is often a default word people use to mean “not dull.” Maybe try “clever” or “witty” or “was a writer for 30 Rock.”

3. “He’s got a great job.” meaning, of course, “He’s got money.”

Much like #1, this is not an attribute that really helps when things get tough (and they will, no matter how big his paychecks are). In fact, it makes it more likely I will be alone when things get tough, because he will be chained to his $2,000 Brookstone desk chair. Rich-guy-workaholics are not necessarily known for their bravery when the proverbial family ship starts sinking.

“Women and children first!” said no Billy-Zane-On-the-Titanic ever.

I am more interested in a man who works hard at home than at the office. Especially if children come into the picture, the real damage is done by being absent, not by missing bill payments.

4. “He’s cute.”

Cute is great (and attraction is a non-negotiable), but a healthy lifestyle is what lasts. Aging gracefully is all a matter of taking care of your brain, body, and skin. When they start deteriorating, it becomes all the more difficult to get back on the right track. Everyone loses “cute” eventually (except you, George Clooney, never you), but health is forever.

George

George Clooney is half human, half Cylon. He was created as part of a government experiment to advance the human race.

In all seriousness, tell me he has character, principle, discipline, and a well-stocked library, and then I will start listening. I want a man like this, not a Tom Hanks rom-com character.

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