are you there, God? it’s me, Anger

Dear God: Stop it.

I had a handle on things until You pushed me again. I’m human, okay?! I can’t deal with all this. Didn’t You know this pain would break me?

I did. I knew this before the stars were sprinkled in the sky.

If You knew everything, why did You allow this to happen? I thought being a child of God would be blissful. Instead, I am wandering in the desert trying to find peace.

I will heal you, my beloved. Be patient.

Oh, sure. You know, I have done all the things I am supposed to. I go to church. I read my bible. I pray. And pray. And pray. And what did it ever get me? I get moments of clarity, and then You let this happen. You failed me. You hurt me. You HURT me, God. It hurts so much! When will the pain end? I could white-knuckle it through this if You would just give me a clue as to when it will end. Or will I be in this desert forever? Am I destined for suffering?

You are not.

I hoped in You, God. I hoped that You would heal me and here I am, thirsty and lonely and lost. I have been here so long. I am so tired. Why was I such a fool to have faith in God?

Does God even exist? What proof did I ever really have? I live my life in a ridiculous way because of “God,” and for what? For whom?

There can’t be a god if I am in this much pain. There can’t be.

And yet, I have nothing in this world without “God.” Nothing else made me feel whole. I could escape to my old life, but I know the mediocrity that leads to. The world is bleak.

So You know what? I give up. I am going to sit-the-hell-down in this desert and cross my arms and wait to die. Good riddance to You, God, if You are even there.

.

.Oh, I am so empty.

.

.God?

.

Hello?

.

Fine. I will go on without You.

You are beautiful, my sweet little child.

… What? How does that help? You are not answering my questions, God!

God?

I miss You. Everything is grey without You. It does not make sense. Please don’t leave me here alone!

I am here.

I never left.

***

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